Transcript:
[00:00:00] Let's talk a little bit about Buddhist psychology then, because more and more it's relevant  
[00:00:14] from the perspective of modern psychology, clinical psychology, and cognitive neuroscience.  
[00:00:23] So much of those fields are starting to be influenced in this way.  
[00:00:30] So it might be useful to understand the basic elements of Buddhist psychology.  
[00:00:36] So the idea of this seminar was to kind of explain that,  
[00:00:42] try and give some sense of how it might be relating to the way we understand the human mind  
[00:00:48] and work with it in the 21st century, how it's influencing those efforts,  
[00:00:53] how it might be useful for you, and then in particular cultivate mindfulness to learn how to do that  
[00:01:02] through some classical approaches to it.  
[00:01:06] Okay, so one of the things that always impressed me about the figure of the Buddha, the historical Buddha,  
[00:01:14] was he wasn't really interested in conversion.  
[00:01:18] He wasn't dogmatic, he wasn't fundamental, he didn't have any insistence that he was correct,  
[00:01:25] and he didn't need you to follow him or to believe in him as being something other than a human being,  
[00:01:32] which is, to my knowledge, pretty unique as the central figure of one of the religious traditions.  
[00:01:42] And I always found that fascinating. He said over and over and over again,  
[00:01:47] don't believe anything that I'm saying because you think I'm some kind of enlightened guru.  
[00:01:53] Don't believe anything your teachers tell you because they're your teachers,  
[00:01:57] or that holy men and educated men might say because you think they're something special.  
[00:02:05] None of that is very useful. It's not useful to just have blind faith in things.  
[00:02:11] He said, like, I'll lay this out for you, I'll show you the ways that I got to these places,  
[00:02:18] and you try it. You try it in your own life, and you analyze your own experience of things.  
[00:02:25] And if you find it to be useful, then you'll continue to do it,  
[00:02:29] and if you don't find it to be useful, then you won't,  
[00:02:32] and you'll go on and find something that is useful for you.  
[00:02:35] And he was perfectly fine kind of leaving it there.  
[00:02:39] I always thought that was very intellectually honest, and I respected that attitude.  
[00:02:47] So I would invite you to have the same attitude.  
[00:02:51] It doesn't really matter that cognitive neuroscience says X, Y, and Z,  
[00:02:55] and that I'm a doctor, and I know what I'm talking about, and blah blah.  
[00:02:59] It never really means anything.  
[00:03:01] It's all about, like, you take these concepts, and if they're useful for you,  
[00:03:06] then you'll delve into them further.  
[00:03:09] If you decide they're not, then you won't.  
[00:03:12] And I'm perfectly fine with that, one way or the other.  
[00:03:17] So Buddhism kind of gets a bad rap, in a sense, of being kind of morbid.  
[00:03:22] Like, it's focusing on suffering and death.  
[00:03:28] And in a way that's true, in a way it's not.  
[00:03:31] It's kind of gotten a bad rap, because our relationship as a Western civilization,  
[00:03:38] our relationship to death and pain is like, get that crap away from me.  
[00:03:44] We don't like that at all.  
[00:03:45] We don't like to think about it, we don't like to come in contact with it at all.  
[00:03:50] And it's kind of interesting to see the mentality shift  
[00:03:53] between someone who was raised in the East, somewhere in India,  
[00:03:57] and someone who was raised in Los Angeles.  
[00:04:00] It's like when bad things happen, and there's mental pain around it,  
[00:04:09] we almost feel like something's wrong.  
[00:04:13] Something that should not have happened has just happened,  
[00:04:17] and I've got to fix it now.  
[00:04:20] The way I'm feeling, there's something intolerable and unacceptable about it,  
[00:04:24] and I have to get out of it, I have to fix it.  
[00:04:26] If I can't fix it, I have to figure out a way out of it.  
[00:04:30] It tends to be our general attitude about it.  
[00:04:33] So we have this kind of adversarial relationship with the thoughts and emotions,  
[00:04:40] our mental experiences that we deem to be unacceptable,  
[00:04:45] that we label as problematic, that are afflictive.  
[00:04:52] That's our basic responsivity to it.  
[00:04:55] If I can't kill it, then at least I can run away.  
[00:05:02] More in Eastern cultures, that tends not to be the attitude.  
[00:05:06] They tend more to be able to make room for the fact that life includes  
[00:05:11] some sense of difficulty, and moments of dissatisfaction,  
[00:05:17] and grief, and loss, and loneliness, and frustration, and irritation.  
[00:05:22] All of these things are just a part of the normal human spectrum.  
[00:05:27] Just as much a part of them as joy, and happiness,  
[00:05:30] and pleasure, and laughter, humor.  
[00:05:34] And they can kind of make room for that stuff to be there,  
[00:05:37] they're not so reactive to it, insisting that it not be there.  
[00:05:41] Or insisting that something's fundamentally wrong, if it is there.  
[00:05:46] So it's an interesting kind of difference they have.  
[00:05:50] And so, we're going to talk through some of Buddha's ideas on suffering,  
[00:05:56] and some of the things that he expounded on.  
[00:05:59] And as we do, check your own mood.  
[00:06:03] You can check this in yourself.  
[00:06:06] Look at your mood, and where it is now.  
[00:06:10] And by the time we're done tonight, see if anything's happened to your mood.  
[00:06:14] See if anything's happened to your body, see if anything's happened to your mind,  
[00:06:17] your thoughts, your emotions.  
[00:06:20] Maybe put it on a little scale.  
[00:06:23] So zero would be totally blissed out,  
[00:06:27] and ten would be like, I'm going to put a gun in my mouth immediately.  
[00:06:32] And gauge where your mind is right now.  
[00:06:36] And then see where it might be an hour from now,  
[00:06:39] when we've fleshed through some of this stuff.  
[00:06:42] See if you can notice changes in it, as we kind of talk through it.  
[00:06:46] This would be like an idea of your reactivity to what we're talking about.  
[00:06:52] So you can kind of watch it, if you're careful.  
[00:06:55] OK, so the Buddha talked about eight fundamental, universal experiences of suffering.  
[00:07:02] The First Noble Truth, when he actually became enlightened,  
[00:07:05] so the myth goes, and he walked out of Bodh Gaya,  
[00:07:11] and he found some of the ascetics that he was practicing with previously,  
[00:07:16] and he was trying to think of how to frame this.  
[00:07:20] And in actuality, when he woke up and he became enlightened,  
[00:07:24] and he came out of meditation, he thought,  
[00:07:27] I probably shouldn't teach this.  
[00:07:30] I probably shouldn't do this, because no one's going to get it.  
[00:07:34] They're not going to understand what I'm trying to say,  
[00:07:37] and they'll probably kill me, actually.  
[00:07:40] And so, he actually considered not doing it.  
[00:07:44] And then he decided to teach, and so he went and found these guys.  
[00:07:47] And the way he framed it was as the Four Noble Truths.  
[00:07:52] Now the First Noble Truth is the existence of suffering.  
[00:07:56] The First Noble Truth is a statement of the problem.  
[00:08:01] That suffering does in fact exist.  
[00:08:04] And it exists in a way that we don't really understand.  
[00:08:10] And we're not apprehending it correctly.  
[00:08:13] And because we're not apprehending it correctly,  
[00:08:15] our relationship with it is skewed and out of balance.  
[00:08:19] And so, because our relationship with our suffering is skewed and out of balance,  
[00:08:24] we compound it. We make it more than it was before.  
[00:08:28] We make it worse. We get really twisted up.  
[00:08:32] So he said, like, you begin this process just thinking about universal forms of suffering.  
[00:08:39] So, he said, like, in kind of list form,  
[00:08:43] there are birth, aging, sickness, death, being met with unfortunate circumstances beyond your control,  
[00:08:50] being separated from people, places, and things that you want or that you desire,  
[00:08:56] karma, and impermanence.  
[00:08:59] Karma meaning just cause and effect.  
[00:09:02] There's a cause and effect to things.  
[00:09:05] Okay, so we'll take them from birth.  
[00:09:10] The way that the Buddha saw it was that birth was kind of an unpleasant state,  
[00:09:16] for the most part, from the perspective of the child.  
[00:09:20] So you actually go, and Freud commented on this at length actually,  
[00:09:24] you actually go from this state where you're inside another human being,  
[00:09:30] and all of your needs are met automatically.  
[00:09:33] And it's very warm, and it's very safe, and it's dark.  
[00:09:37] And you go through this process of, like, through violent muscle contractions,  
[00:09:44] of being forced out into this world that's airborne and light,  
[00:09:49] where your needs are not automatically met.  
[00:09:52] And where you are, in fact, completely helpless.  
[00:09:56] So unable even to lift your own head or to smile.  
[00:10:02] Now, from his perspective, he thought that that was probably not the best state to be in.  
[00:10:08] Couldn't be very comfortable.  
[00:10:10] Freud commented on that very thing when he was thinking about infantile amnesia.  
[00:10:15] This very common thing among 99% of human beings,  
[00:10:20] where we just simply don't remember anything about being an infant.  
[00:10:27] Why would something like that be?  
[00:10:30] Well, his thought was that, and this is Freud's thought,  
[00:10:32] that it was so disorienting and painful to be in this utterly dependent state,  
[00:10:38] where you could do nothing for yourself, that we just blocked it out.  
[00:10:43] It's interesting.  
[00:10:44] So Buddha had kind of the same energy about it.  
[00:10:46] He's like, that's probably not the best way to come into things,  
[00:10:51] and you're very, very vulnerable.  
[00:10:54] Now, from the mother's perspective, it's really rather painful.  
[00:10:57] There's tremendous bonding that goes on.  
[00:11:02] But the process in and of itself,  
[00:11:04] I've never had a child, but it appears to be a relatively rigorous process.  
[00:11:12] And some of the things that can happen with birth, around birth,  
[00:11:17] just from a psychological perspective,  
[00:11:20] postpartum depression is not uncommon, right?  
[00:11:23] A disorientation, if it's a couple's first child, say.  
[00:11:27] There's a shift in the marital dynamic.  
[00:11:32] That shift can be disorienting and unpleasant,  
[00:11:37] and dissatisfying for both the man and the woman in some cases.  
[00:11:42] And then if it's an existing family,  
[00:11:45] with a current mother and father and existing children,  
[00:11:49] it's still a shift.  
[00:11:51] The whole system needs to make room for this new member in the family.  
[00:11:55] And that can be disorienting.  
[00:11:59] So, this idea of birth.  
[00:12:02] Now, from the Buddha's perspective, also including reincarnation,  
[00:12:06] so you're looking to be born again.  
[00:12:08] So you have to go through this again.  
[00:12:12] Endlessly, ceaselessly.  
[00:12:14] Until you get to this point where you wake up to samsara,  
[00:12:19] this cycle of dying and living and being born.  
[00:12:22] You wake up to it and you can start to transcend it.  
[00:12:25] That's more of a religious point, of course.  
[00:12:27] But Buddha had that in there as well.  
[00:12:30] And then you've got aging.  
[00:12:32] We're really uncomfortable with aging.  
[00:12:35] We don't like it.  
[00:12:37] It's even evident in small children.  
[00:12:39] You ask them how old they are.  
[00:12:41] And they don't give you some straightforward, concrete answer.  
[00:12:44] It's all in fractions, usually.  
[00:12:46] It's like, I'm four and a half, I'm four and three quarters.  
[00:12:51] It's like this sense of, you know, I'm not old enough.
[00:12:56] I'm uncomfortable with it, is the energy.  
[00:13:00] I'd like to be a little bit older.  
[00:13:02] Like, if I had my druthers, I'd be seven.  
[00:13:05] Not six and a half.  
[00:13:07] I'd be seven.  
[00:13:09] I like that better.  
[00:13:11] It's like, I'm just kind of uncomfortable with the whole thing.  
[00:13:14] And teenagers are like that, too.  
[00:13:16] It's not like, you know, it's not that I'm sixteen,  
[00:13:20] it's that I'll be seventeen in two months.  
[00:13:22] That's the thing, right?  
[00:13:24] That's what I want you to pay attention to.  
[00:13:26] I'll be seventeen in two months.  
[00:13:28] I'm too young.  
[00:13:30] Usually when we get into our twenties,  
[00:13:32] we're okay with the whole age thing.  
[00:13:35] We forget about it for a while,  
[00:13:37] because being in our twenties is generally accepted as being pretty cool.  
[00:13:42] And some people start to freak out around thirty.  
[00:13:46] A lot of people freak out around forty.  
[00:13:50] And then all of a sudden, the whole thing becomes like,  
[00:13:55] you're forgetting birthdays, maybe.  
[00:13:58] You've been forty for five years now.  
[00:14:02] Something like that.  
[00:14:04] And the market for Botox and plastic surgery and all these procedures  
[00:14:09] to keep us looking young,  
[00:14:11] creams and cosmetics and all of this stuff,  
[00:14:15] scrubs and rubs,  
[00:14:17] it's billions and billions and billions of dollars.  
[00:14:20] It's testament alone to how uncomfortable we are  
[00:14:23] with the aging process.  
[00:14:26] It's difficult for us.  
[00:14:29] And that's just maybe on a cosmetic level.  
[00:14:33] But it's also true, like,  
[00:14:35] my body now, at forty,  
[00:14:38] almost forty-one, I'm forty-one.  
[00:14:41] Forty-one in three days.  
[00:14:45] So at forty-one, my body now is much different than when I was twenty-one.  
[00:14:51] It's vastly different.  
[00:14:54] I was just talking to my mother, who was actually calling me  
[00:14:57] to wish me a happy birthday.  
[00:15:00] And she loves, like most mothers, I imagine,  
[00:15:03] she loves to regale you with tales of your birth,  
[00:15:06] and how that happened,  
[00:15:08] and little stories of it, and all that stuff.  
[00:15:11] And she goes,  
[00:15:14] you were such a good-looking kid.  
[00:15:18] You were so beautiful.  
[00:15:21] And I'm like, what do you say to that?  
[00:15:23] Like, I've lost some of my lesser mother.  
[00:15:28] She starts to laugh.  
[00:15:31] Yeah, it's just like my whole body has shifted, right?  
[00:15:34] So I've got aches and pains now.  
[00:15:37] I have stuff that's just there,  
[00:15:39] that just wasn't there at twenty-one, when I was twenty-one.  
[00:15:42] Like, my energy is lower.  
[00:15:45] My vision is worse.  
[00:15:48] My hearing is a little bit worse.  
[00:15:50] My mind is a little bit slower.  
[00:15:53] I don't have as much stamina.  
[00:15:55] And I have aches and pains, pretty continuously.  
[00:15:58] And then, according to her,  
[00:16:00] when I talk to my mom and my dad,  
[00:16:02] it just gets worse, right?  
[00:16:05] It was like, what was it, Betty Davis who said,  
[00:16:07] like, getting old is not for sissies.  
[00:16:10] It's true, from what I've seen, that's true.  
[00:16:13] It's a pretty tough proposition,  
[00:16:17] getting older.  
[00:16:19] So it's like this sense of, like,  
[00:16:21] your body is actually deteriorating,  
[00:16:23] very slowly, before your eyes.  
[00:16:26] Right? It's like we get so uncomfortable looking at ourselves.  
[00:16:30] There's so many things we feel are wrong with it.  
[00:16:33] And it shouldn't be that way, maybe, right?  
[00:16:35] We have all kinds of stories about it.  
[00:16:37] And we get caught up in these stories.  
[00:16:39] They become, like, very real for us.  
[00:16:43] So that's part of aging, too.  
[00:16:46] And then you get sick, right?  
[00:16:48] So it's like, now that I'm in my 40s,  
[00:16:53] all of a sudden, like, my doctor is going to start checking me  
[00:16:57] for all kinds of diseases and problems and conditions and stuff  
[00:17:01] that he didn't check me for five years ago.  
[00:17:04] Because all of a sudden, now I'm at risk for those things more.  
[00:17:09] And so you've got, like, everything from little colds and flus  
[00:17:13] and little infections, things like that,  
[00:17:16] all the way up to, like, HIV and hepatitis.  
[00:17:20] You've got, like, massive...  
[00:17:23] You've got cancer, you've got, like...  
[00:17:25] If you go to the library and just look at the section on medical pathology,  
[00:17:29] like, it's vast.  
[00:17:31] Just the number of things that can potentially go wrong with the human body.  
[00:17:36] I mean, there's so many things that are so complex  
[00:17:39] and live on so many levels.  
[00:17:41] We can't just have, like, one class of doctor that deals with that, right?  
[00:17:45] We need, like, many different classes of doctors  
[00:17:48] with special and sub-specializations within those things  
[00:17:51] to, like, deal with all of this stuff.  
[00:17:56] I mean, it's just massive how many things can go wrong.  
[00:17:59] And do go wrong.  
[00:18:02] Yeah, so we're subject to all of that.  
[00:18:05] And as we age, of course, we become more and more subject to it.  
[00:18:11] And so, like, the thinking would go something like this.  
[00:18:14] If you're unaware of that, right?  
[00:18:16] Just the three that we've talked about.  
[00:18:18] You're unaware of that, you check out from that,  
[00:18:21] you deny that, you avoid that on a continuous basis.  
[00:18:24] Well, then, when you go into your doctor  
[00:18:27] and he tells you, you know, you have cancer,  
[00:18:31] you might feel like you got hit by a Mack truck.  
[00:18:34] That might be a completely overwhelming experience for you.  
[00:18:37] Just simply because you've been so checked out of the reality of this  
[00:18:42] for most of your life, maybe.  
[00:18:44] Like, believing that that happens to other people.  
[00:18:47] Or, if it's going to happen to me, it won't be for a long time.  
[00:18:50] And then, next week, you wake up and you're 60 years old, right?  
[00:18:54] And it's happened to you, and you didn't see it coming.  
[00:18:58] It can be kind of like that.  
[00:19:00] So, it's about, like, tuning in and becoming aware.  
[00:19:03] It's not about, like, getting morbid and getting all depressed about it, right?  
[00:19:07] And, like, sinking down into apathy or something.  
[00:19:10] That's not useful.  
[00:19:12] It's more about just connecting to some of the realities that are present,  
[00:19:17] if you're a human being.  
[00:19:19] And it's kind of, like, delivered like that.  
[00:19:22] Then you've got, like, the big D that everybody focused on, right?  
[00:19:26] You've got death.  
[00:19:28] And death is something...  
[00:19:30] Buddhists meditate on death pretty regularly.  
[00:19:34] And the reason they do that is because they think that it makes them live life  
[00:19:41] more meaningfully, in a more connected way.  
[00:19:45] They're more present.  
[00:19:47] And they're more connected to the preciousness of it,  
[00:19:51] in an ongoing way, moment to moment.  
[00:19:54] Because they meditate on death so much.  
[00:19:57] Now, like, the reality of death is...  
[00:20:03] Most of us tell stories about death.  
[00:20:06] And it usually involves us as 90 years old,  
[00:20:11] kind of surrounded by our loved ones,  
[00:20:14] and we die very peacefully, right?  
[00:20:17] And we're in a nice bed with a nice down comforter or something, right?  
[00:20:22] Some image like that is the usual thing.  
[00:20:26] And that's kind of as far as we go with it.  
[00:20:29] We just kind of let it go.  
[00:20:31] That's going to happen at some point way in the distant future,  
[00:20:34] and I'll just paint a very pretty picture of it,  
[00:20:37] and I'll just let it go.  
[00:20:40] Well, I mean, if you just look at the statistics on death  
[00:20:44] from the World Health Organization,  
[00:20:47] you can see very clearly  
[00:20:50] that death very rarely happens like that picture.  
[00:20:55] It really very rarely happens like that.  
[00:20:58] That there are approximately 250,000 people  
[00:21:04] who were born today,  
[00:21:06] and about 200,000 who died today.  
[00:21:10] This was their last day on Earth.  
[00:21:13] And if you look at the spectrum of how that happened,  
[00:21:17] across the 200,000 that died,  
[00:21:20] some died when they were children.  
[00:21:23] Some died as adolescents.  
[00:21:26] Some died as young adults and middle-aged adults.  
[00:21:30] Some died when they were elderly.  
[00:21:33] So clearly death can arrive at any point in the lifespan.  
[00:21:40] And what's worse than that for us a lot of the time  
[00:21:43] is that it can arrive in any manner,  
[00:21:46] at any time, in any way.  
[00:21:49] And it's totally beyond our control.  
[00:21:53] I mean, the uncertainty of that  
[00:21:55] is usually something that freaks us out, pretty much.  
[00:21:59] When you slow down and look at it closely like that,  
[00:22:02] it usually kind of makes us spin and freak out a little bit  
[00:22:07] with the uncertainty.  
[00:22:09] I mean, we like to go around thinking that  
[00:22:11] we're in control of things, for the most part.  
[00:22:15] That, you know, I'm in control of my life,  
[00:22:18] and I have plans for the future,  
[00:22:20] therefore the future exists.  
[00:22:22] And I tell stories about the future  
[00:22:24] and invest them with the reality,  
[00:22:26] so it feels very real to me.  
[00:22:28] And death and uncontrollable stuff  
[00:22:31] really doesn't seem like a reality.  
[00:22:33] And we disconnect from the fundamental impermanence  
[00:22:37] of this life, the life that you have right now.  
[00:22:40] How it can be gone, like that.  
[00:22:44] And that happening like that is really not that unique.  
[00:22:48] Some people go on vacation and never come home.  
[00:22:52] Some people go to the store and never make it back.  
[00:22:57] Some people die in their sleep.  
[00:22:59] Some people have cardiac arrest at their desk at work.  
[00:23:05] I mean, whenever and however it happens,  
[00:23:08] you won't be ready for it.  
[00:23:10] There will always be stuff that was left undone.  
[00:23:14] There will always be projects that you were in the middle of,  
[00:23:18] that you wanted to see through.  
[00:23:21] It's always going to be inconvenient,  
[00:23:23] the arrival of death.  
[00:23:25] Always will be.  
[00:23:27] And so it's not just our death either.  
[00:23:30] It's the death of the people that we love.  
[00:23:33] We all love people.  
[00:23:35] We have friends and family and so on.  
[00:23:37] And we're going to have to watch some of those people die.  
[00:23:42] Or make the very painful choice to avoid watching it.  
[00:23:46] But one way or the other, there will be pain.  
[00:23:50] And how do you do that?  
[00:23:52] How do you negotiate that?  
[00:23:55] A couple of years ago, my grandmother died.  
[00:24:00] She had one of those deaths, like the picture death.  
[00:24:04] She was very lucky.  
[00:24:05] She was 90 years old.  
[00:24:08] So she had a very long life and she got to die in her home  
[00:24:12] with her family around her.  
[00:24:15] And still, even under the best of circumstances,  
[00:24:20] if that could be called the best of circumstances,  
[00:24:23] it was difficult to be present with that.  
[00:24:27] I didn't really know how to do that.  
[00:24:29] They called me up and said, you know,  
[00:24:32] I called her mom, but they said mom was dying.  
[00:24:35] Like she was near her end.  
[00:24:37] It had been kind of a slow decline to that point.  
[00:24:40] And she's near her end.  
[00:24:42] And so, you know, okay, so I'm coming home.  
[00:24:45] And there were many moments where I thought, you know,  
[00:24:49] man, why should I go?  
[00:24:52] I mean, she's not even really conscious.  
[00:24:55] And it's like a long trip and that whole thing.  
[00:24:58] And like, I was running through all these stories  
[00:25:01] that were really about avoiding it for the most part.
[00:25:05] Avoiding the death of this person who had been with me.  
[00:25:08] Yeah, she was there when I was born.  
[00:25:12] She had helped raise me.  
[00:25:15] She had been like a key person in my life.  
[00:25:18] She was my friend.  
[00:25:20] I loved her.  
[00:25:22] And I found myself telling, spinning these stories  
[00:25:25] of justifying, like just avoiding it.  
[00:25:28] Why?  
[00:25:30] Why was I spinning these stories?  
[00:25:32] I mean, I looked underneath the stories and I saw...  
[00:25:39] fear.  
[00:25:41] You know?  
[00:25:43] I didn't want to be present with that.  
[00:25:46] I didn't want to do it.  
[00:25:48] It's hard to look at that.  
[00:25:51] I didn't want to do the loss and the grief and the fear.  
[00:25:55] I just didn't.  
[00:25:57] There were parts of my mind that were like,  
[00:25:59] it's easier to just avoid it.  
[00:26:01] Just avoid it.  
[00:26:04] No one would really blame you.  
[00:26:06] You're like running through all the scenarios.  
[00:26:10] Because I didn't know what I could do for her, right?  
[00:26:12] What could I do for her?  
[00:26:14] She's dying.  
[00:26:15] There's nothing I can do to stop it, right?  
[00:26:17] Even if I'm there, she's going to die alone.  
[00:26:20] One way or the other.  
[00:26:22] Only she is doing this.  
[00:26:24] It's only happening to her at that moment.  
[00:26:28] I thought, what could I offer her?  
[00:26:30] I didn't know what I could do, right?  
[00:26:32] The usual American male mentality of like,  
[00:26:34] I've got to fix it.  
[00:26:36] I've got to be able to substantively respond to this somehow.  
[00:26:41] And what do you do when you come across situations  
[00:26:44] that you can't fix?  
[00:26:46] And there really is no response.  
[00:26:50] What am I going to say?  
[00:26:51] I'm going to say something that's going to make her feel better.  
[00:26:54] I mean, come on.  
[00:26:58] What could I offer her?  
[00:27:00] In the end, I found I could offer her just,  
[00:27:03] I could just witness what was happening to her.  
[00:27:07] That's what I could do.  
[00:27:09] I could compassionately be there.  
[00:27:12] I could be present for it.  
[00:27:15] I could not turn away.  
[00:27:17] Maybe that would be a gift I could give her.  
[00:27:20] Something along those lines.  
[00:27:22] I think it was meditating about death  
[00:27:24] that kind of like brought me to that.  
[00:27:27] Where like something in my own life,  
[00:27:29] I might have been able to respond a little more skillfully.  
[00:27:33] With a little less reactivity to my fear and my trepidation.  
[00:27:40] I don't want to mess about the whole thing.  
[00:27:45] I didn't have to identify with it and get all caught up in it  
[00:27:48] and do something unskillful and unwise.  
[00:27:51] Like not be there.  
[00:27:55] So I think meditating on death helped me with that.  
[00:27:59] It's kind of like going to the place of the scary  
[00:28:01] over and over and over again.  
[00:28:02] Being willing to do it.  
[00:28:04] Being willing to see it.  
[00:28:07] It's like what happens if somebody's got this phobia about dogs.  
[00:28:11] That you just can't stand dogs.  
[00:28:13] I'm very afraid of dogs.  
[00:28:16] And so what would happen if I took that person  
[00:28:19] and I locked them in this room and there was no way out  
[00:28:23] and also in the room with them I put a couple of dogs.  
[00:28:28] I mean at first they would completely lose it, right?  
[00:28:31] Maybe they'd have like a full-blown panic attack and pass out.  
[00:28:36] And when they woke up,  
[00:28:39] what do you think that would look like a couple hours later?  
[00:28:42] Are they going to have another panic attack?  
[00:28:45] Well maybe.  
[00:28:46] So let's say they have another panic attack  
[00:28:48] and they lose consciousness again and pass out.  
[00:28:51] Well now it's another couple hours later, right?  
[00:28:53] There's only so many panic attacks you can have  
[00:28:56] in this condensed period.  
[00:28:58] So like what are they going to do?  
[00:29:01] Just by the design of it they're going to have to start relaxing a little bit.  
[00:29:05] Like you just can't keep all that up for all that long.  
[00:29:10] So maybe they relax, but they relax over in that corner  
[00:29:13] where the dogs aren't, right?  
[00:29:15] Now if I left them in there for like three days,  
[00:29:18] how do you think it would look when I finally open the door for them?  
[00:29:23] You know, three days later.  
[00:29:27] Maybe my guess would be they would actually be petting the dogs  
[00:29:30] and playing and kind of like having fun with the dogs.  
[00:29:35] So that whole experience never would have happened.  
[00:29:39] That wall of fear would have been maintained and reinforced  
[00:29:42] over and over and over again  
[00:29:44] had they not been forced just to be present in a confined space with dogs.  
[00:29:50] They never would have gone there and never would have seen the other side of it.  
[00:29:53] Ever.  
[00:29:55] Like left to their own devices, they would never have done that.  
[00:29:59] That's kind of like the nutshell version of exposure therapy,  
[00:30:03] which is the big one for OCD and phobias in particular.  
[00:30:08] And it works. Why does it work?  
[00:30:10] Because going to the places that scare you  
[00:30:12] shows us they're really not that scary for the most part.  
[00:30:18] Like your fear about it was like so exaggerated and out of proportion, right?  
[00:30:24] But it doesn't feel that way to us.  
[00:30:27] It feels real to us. It feels balanced to us.  
[00:30:31] Like from the inside, from my own side of it, it feels like I'm right.  
[00:30:37] But in actuality, I'm distorted.  
[00:30:42] Like the Buddha's language was delusion.  
[00:30:45] Ignorance and delusion.  
[00:30:47] Like you don't see clearly, you can't see through it.  
[00:30:52] Okay, so death.  
[00:30:54] So we've got birth, aging, sickness, and death.  
[00:30:58] Two biggies for all of us.  
[00:31:01] I mean, you've got being met with unfortunate circumstances beyond your control.  
[00:31:07] So, I mean, have you ever just loved somebody  
[00:31:14] and then you come home one day and they say they don't love you anymore?  
[00:31:19] And then that ends?  
[00:31:22] And there's really nothing that you can do about it, really, right?  
[00:31:27] The other person has decided that it's over.  
[00:31:31] And now you have a broken heart.  
[00:31:35] And what are you supposed to do with that, right?  
[00:31:37] You didn't want that.  
[00:31:38] Like when you woke up that morning,  
[00:31:40] you weren't thinking it would be great if this relationship would end  
[00:31:44] and I could have a broken heart, right?  
[00:31:46] You weren't looking for it.  
[00:31:47] You didn't try to create that.  
[00:31:49] But it doesn't really matter what you wanted or what you were trying to do.  
[00:31:53] That's the reality of it.  
[00:31:55] And now you have to deal with that.  
[00:31:59] Or like you have a job that you really like.  
[00:32:02] Something like that in our current economy, right?  
[00:32:06] And, you know, your boss pulls you into the office one day  
[00:32:09] and says we're not making the kind of money we thought we were going to make  
[00:32:13] and we've got to make some cuts and, you know, you're one of them.  
[00:32:18] And now you're unemployed.  
[00:32:20] Maybe you even really like that job.  
[00:32:23] Maybe you fit well there.  
[00:32:25] But now you don't have it anymore.  
[00:32:28] And so, again, you didn't want that.  
[00:32:31] You weren't going after that.  
[00:32:32] You weren't trying to create it.  
[00:32:33] But that's the reality of it.  
[00:32:36] And now what do you do?  
[00:32:38] What are you supposed to do with that?  
[00:32:41] So unfortunate things beyond our control,  
[00:32:43] things that we didn't want to have happen,  
[00:32:46] that actually happened.  
[00:32:51] And it can work the other way, too.  
[00:32:52] Things we really do want that we don't get, right?  
[00:32:57] Can be separated from things.  
[00:32:59] Like when I worked in L.A., it really wasn't common.  
[00:33:02] I got my training in L.A. and my initial clinical experience in Los Angeles.  
[00:33:07] And so it wasn't really uncommon to, like, meet people who,  
[00:33:11] they wanted to be the next big thing, whatever that was.  
[00:33:16] They wanted to be the next big baseball player or the next big singer.  
[00:33:20] They wanted to be famous.  
[00:33:22] They wanted to be rich.  
[00:33:24] They wanted whatever, the usual Hollywood thing, right?  
[00:33:30] And, you know, the odds of that happening are so small.  
[00:33:36] Almost invariably, at some point in their process,  
[00:33:39] they would have to confront the fact that whatever it was that they wanted so much,  
[00:33:43] it just was not going to become a reality for them.  
[00:33:46] That was not going to happen.  
[00:33:50] And, you know, what do you do then?  
[00:33:53] Well, you love that person from afar, right?  
[00:33:57] And they never know about it.  
[00:33:59] Or you confess your love to someone, right?  
[00:34:02] And maybe it's just not returned.  
[00:34:06] It's just not there.  
[00:34:08] You remain separated from it.  
[00:34:10] I worked with people who just wanted to have an education.  
[00:34:13] All they wanted was to be the first person in their family to graduate from college.  
[00:34:20] And circumstances would conspire in such a way that that just never occurred.  
[00:34:27] I've worked with people who just wanted to find that one special person,  
[00:34:31] someone they could spend their life with,  
[00:34:33] they could have a partnership with and share their life with.  
[00:34:37] And circumstances would conspire in such a way that this just never happened  
[00:34:41] in any sustainable way.  
[00:34:45] So, all of us are separated from things that we want on one level or another.  
[00:34:52] And all of us are met with unfortunate circumstances beyond our control,  
[00:34:57] to one extent or another.  
[00:35:01] What's your usual response to those things that happen that are beyond your control,  
[00:35:08] that cause pain?  
[00:35:12] They're the things you remain separated from, that you try.  
[00:35:15] You watch the Olympics, right?  
[00:35:19] Like, every person on the ice or whatever, right,  
[00:35:23] has dedicated their entire life to that process, to that moment.  
[00:35:31] And, like, the vast majority of them lose.  
[00:35:36] It's just the way it goes.  
[00:35:38] Like, what do you do with that, right?  
[00:35:41] I remember Clinton retiring, and they asked him, President Clinton,  
[00:35:44] they said, well, what are you going to do now?  
[00:35:47] He said, well, what do you do after you've been the President of the United States?  
[00:35:51] Like, what am I supposed to do?  
[00:35:55] Like, there's nothing beyond that, he felt.  
[00:35:59] In a way, it's kind of like he was saying, it's kind of all downhill from here.  
[00:36:06] Yeah, okay.  
[00:36:08] So this clinical psychologist made up this formula that I think is relevant.  
[00:36:14] It's one of the only formulas in clinical psychology.  
[00:36:17] But it's true.  
[00:36:19] So his formula was suffering equals pain times resistance.  
[00:36:25] Suffering equals pain times resistance.  
[00:36:28] So you've got, like, suffering, and from this perspective, suffering means, like,  
[00:36:33] just, like, intense mental anguish, depression, anxiety, this kind of thing.  
[00:36:42] Extraordinary levels of that.  
[00:36:46] Like, really stuck, habituated grief.  
[00:36:50] All of these processes.  
[00:36:52] And that's equal to the pain that's actually present in life.  
[00:36:57] If you're a human being, you'll have a certain amount of pain.  
[00:36:59] And it's multiplied by the amount of resistance that you have to that pain.  
[00:37:05] The amount of resistance.  
[00:37:08] Like, your level of, like, I don't accept this.  
[00:37:13] I don't accept it.  
[00:37:14] I don't want it.  
[00:37:15] I'm going to fight it.  
[00:37:17] I'm going to kill it.  
[00:37:18] I'm going to fix it.  
[00:37:19] I'm going to change it.
[00:37:21] I'm going to project it onto someone else and blame them for it and punish them.  
[00:37:25] I'm going to do whatever.  
[00:37:27] But I'm not going to connect in an authentic way to this pain, this loss.  
[00:37:35] So, those two things multiply together.  
[00:37:37] The amount of actual pain times your resistance to it equals suffering.  
[00:37:43] In my experience as a clinician, that equation has proven true over and over and over again.  
[00:37:52] So it's useful to think about.  
[00:37:54] Maybe in relation to, how do you respond to unfortunate circumstances beyond your control?  
[00:38:02] And to separation from people, places, and things that you want, you desire.  
[00:38:09] Okay, so then you've got impermanence.  
[00:38:14] The fact that everything is actually impermanent.  
[00:38:19] The fact that seven years ago, every cell in your body was different than it is now.  
[00:38:29] You know, anatomically, every seven years, the cells die off and are copied.  
[00:38:36] This is actually where cancer comes from.  
[00:38:39] You go through this process all the time shedding, all the time recreating.  
[00:38:44] Everything is in motion.  
[00:38:46] Everything is dynamic.  
[00:38:48] Everything is always moving.  
[00:38:51] Even the present, right?  
[00:38:52] The reason we use the breath, right, is because the breath is always in the present.  
[00:38:57] And it's something we can connect to without that much effort.  
[00:39:01] Because the present is a moving target.  
[00:39:03] Is the present now?  
[00:39:05] Or is it now?  
[00:39:06] Or is it now?  
[00:39:07] Right?  
[00:39:10] It's never static.  
[00:39:11] It never stays still.  
[00:39:13] The Earth is actually moving, right?  
[00:39:16] And it's got this core that I hear is in some kind of rotation.  
[00:39:20] And it's in motion around this ball of nuclear reactivity that is itself in motion.  
[00:39:26] With other planets, it's themselves in motion, in relative position.  
[00:39:32] And that makes up a solar system, and that's in motion.  
[00:39:35] And by the billions, those solar systems make up a galaxy which is in motion.  
[00:39:41] In relative position to other galaxies that are themselves in motion.  
[00:39:45] And all that is whooshing out at astronomical speeds into we have really no idea what.  
[00:39:55] All that is whooshing out into.  
[00:39:57] All this is dynamic and moving.  
[00:40:03] And there's one thing you can say about the past, it will never be present again.  
[00:40:09] So like one of the hardest things about death in my own life, my sister died as well.  
[00:40:14] From lupus.  
[00:40:16] My grandmother died a couple of years ago.  
[00:40:18] One of the hardest parts of sitting with that for me was just realizing that I would never see them again.  
[00:40:27] That who they were and our relationship together would never be recreated.  
[00:40:35] Not the way it was.  
[00:40:37] It was gone.  
[00:40:39] It was gone forever.  
[00:40:42] The person I was seven years ago is actually radically different from the person I am now.  
[00:40:49] That person, for all intents and purposes, does not exist and will never exist again.  
[00:40:55] Not in that exact way.  
[00:40:59] And so it's all moving forward, right?  
[00:41:03] And every moment of the present becomes something that's dead.  
[00:41:07] And the future doesn't actually exist.  
[00:41:10] You can frame all of this in a way that it really freaks you out and scares you, right?  
[00:41:15] Or you can start to slow down and look at it and you might be able to see the beauty of it.  
[00:41:20] Its presence, something like that.  
[00:41:23] The grace that's there.  
[00:41:27] It kind of depends on how you want to see it, really, at the end of the day.  
[00:41:35] So, our lives are impermanent.  
[00:41:38] Just as our culture is.  
[00:41:41] And our communities are.  
[00:41:43] And our country is, right?  
[00:41:45] Who would have ever thought the Roman Empire would not exist in 500 B.C.?  
[00:41:52] Or at year zero?  
[00:41:55] Or even 100 A.D.?  
[00:41:59] But in fact, what's left of the Roman Empire is relics.  
[00:42:05] And a hundred years from now, when you and everyone who's ever known you is dead,  
[00:42:14] it might be as though you were never here.  
[00:42:18] I mean, how much time do you spend really reflecting on and trying to connect to  
[00:42:23] your great-great-great-great-grandparents?  
[00:42:27] Do you even know their names?  
[00:42:30] I don't.  
[00:42:34] Now, that can either be depressing,  
[00:42:38] or you might be able to see some freedom in it, in a sense.  
[00:42:44] Some beauty, again, might be present there.  
[00:42:48] If you connected to it, you would undoubtedly also become reactive.  
[00:42:53] You would resist it.  
[00:42:56] But you might be able to work with that resistance.  
[00:42:59] You might be able to find the courage to repeatedly connect with impermanence.  
[00:43:05] And then if you did, you might find it easier to be more mindful.  
[00:43:10] You might find yourself taking each moment of presence and making it something precious.  
[00:43:16] Making it something beautiful.  
[00:43:19] Really trying to see through it, to apprehend its nature in some way.  
[00:43:26] Which would be interesting.  
[00:43:30] It sounds more interesting than spitting off into horror stories about  
[00:43:34] how I think things should be or want them to be,  
[00:43:37] or sketching out on the past and getting all fixated there, right?  
[00:43:42] And just exaggerating stuff,  
[00:43:45] and detachment, which we'll talk about tomorrow.  
[00:43:51] And so the last one is karma.  
[00:43:54] This idea of cause and effect.  
[00:44:01] In the Fourth Noble Truth, the Buddha talked about the Noble Eightfold Path  
[00:44:06] to the cessation of suffering or enlightenment.  
[00:44:09] And one of those in the Eightfold is Right Understanding.  
[00:44:12] And one of the biggest ways that you can misperceive this life,  
[00:44:18] according to Buddhist psychology,  
[00:44:20] is to think that what you think and what you feel and what you say and what you do  
[00:44:26] have no consequences.  
[00:44:29] That is like the biggest fundamental error you can make,  
[00:44:34] is not believing in consequentiality.  
[00:44:38] Is not believing that everything that you do makes an impression,  
[00:44:43] that affects everything else.  
[00:44:47] That's the biggest error you can make.  
[00:44:51] And so that's the idea of karma,  
[00:44:54] is that there is cause and effect present in things.  
[00:44:59] So I mean, the nutshell is, why am I not happy today?  
[00:45:04] Why do I not have a sense of well-being and peace?  
[00:45:08] Because I have not created the cause to experience those things  
[00:45:13] at some point in the past.  
[00:45:15] I just haven't done it.  
[00:45:18] And so I experience, actually, what I have created the cause to experience.  
[00:45:23] And for me, that includes a lot of afflictive stuff,  
[00:45:27] like confusion, disorientation, fear, anxiety.  
[00:45:33] I've created the cause to experience those things progressively,  
[00:45:36] and maybe increasingly.  
[00:45:39] And to some extent, maybe I've created the cause to experience  
[00:45:42] some kind of sense of well-being and peace and insight and awareness.  
[00:45:47] But I get exactly what I've earned, in a sense.  
[00:45:54] I get exactly what I've earned.  
[00:45:56] Which is a very hard concept for us, as Westerners.  
[00:46:01] Very difficult.  
[00:46:02] Like, when bad things happen to us, there's a whole book written,  
[00:46:05] and this is a good book, too,  
[00:46:07] Why Bad Things Happen to Good People, written by a rabbi.  
[00:46:11] Very insightful from the Jewish-Christian perspective.  
[00:46:14] He's basically talking about karma without talking about karma.  
[00:46:19] And it's a hard concept for us.  
[00:46:22] It's like, if bad things happen to us,  
[00:46:24] maybe some of the things on the list we just went over,  
[00:46:27] aging, sickness, death,  
[00:46:31] the usual thing we think is, why me?  
[00:46:35] It feels unfair.  
[00:46:39] And kind of like the response from Buddhist psychology is like,  
[00:46:42] why not you?  
[00:46:45] Why shouldn't that have happened to you?  
[00:46:47] I mean, you're a human being.  
[00:46:50] You're going to age, you're going to get sick,  
[00:46:52] and you're going to die at some point.  
[00:46:55] I mean, why be so shocked and shaken by it?  
[00:46:59] So, there's this idea like,  
[00:47:02] so if I create the cause to experience difficulties,  
[00:47:06] maybe I create difficulties for other people  
[00:47:09] on a pretty regular basis.  
[00:47:12] Maybe I have divisive speech.  
[00:47:14] Maybe I have harsh speech.  
[00:47:16] I just speak unwisely and harshly to people.  
[00:47:20] Maybe I don't think before I speak.  
[00:47:23] Maybe I make myself feel better  
[00:47:26] in some transitory way at the expense of other people.  
[00:47:30] Pretty routinely.  
[00:47:32] But I don't see that that's what I'm doing.  
[00:47:35] Like, I have all kinds of justifications and minimizations  
[00:47:38] and rationalizations about that.  
[00:47:41] And so then, when that kind of energy comes back at me,  
[00:47:46] because that's the seed that will at some point come to fruition.  
[00:47:52] So when it comes to fruition,  
[00:47:54] and this kind of stuff starts coming back at me,  
[00:47:57] I feel so justified in the way I've lived my life.  
[00:48:01] And it's like, this is quite obviously suffering to me.  
[00:48:05] This, on the other hand, is not suffering.  
[00:48:07] I didn't do anything wrong.  
[00:48:09] I have no amends to make.  
[00:48:12] But then all this other stuff happens.  
[00:48:14] Aging, sickness, death,  
[00:48:16] unfortunate circumstances, separations.  
[00:48:19] I don't like any of that.  
[00:48:20] That feels like suffering to me.  
[00:48:23] And because I feel so justified, I feel like a victim.  
[00:48:29] I do not see, I do not connect the dots here.  
[00:48:35] I just don't do it.  
[00:48:37] Instead, I go around kind of in pity for myself.  
[00:48:43] Which makes me feel even more justified  
[00:48:45] and like turning the knife on other people.  
[00:48:51] And so we go down this rabbit hole of suffering.  
[00:48:55] Intensifying and magnifying it.  
[00:48:58] You ever meet someone who's like 85  
[00:49:01] and they're just kind of like really tired and bitter  
[00:49:05] and just kind of pissed off?  
[00:49:12] Chances are they've had some kind of life  
[00:49:15] around that rabbit hole somewhere.  
[00:49:19] Because when it's just like you versus the universe, right?  
[00:49:22] And you're the one who's right,  
[00:49:24] then who wins in that one?  
[00:49:27] You versus the universe.  
[00:49:30] It's like you lose.  
[00:49:32] And it's just a matter of time before  
[00:49:35] you just can't do it anymore.  
[00:49:37] You just get so tired.  
[00:49:43] So, that's the list of universal sufferings  
[00:49:47] that Buddha said apply to human beings.  
[00:49:50] No matter what.  
[00:49:52] It doesn't matter what century you were born in.  
[00:49:55] It doesn't matter what gender you are.  
[00:49:57] What your sexual orientation is.  
[00:49:59] What color your skin is.  
[00:50:02] Whether you're a Republican or a Democrat or Roman or American.  
[00:50:06] It doesn't matter.  
[00:50:08] If you're a human being,  
[00:50:10] you will experience these things.  
[00:50:14] And the fundamental question is,  
[00:50:17] what's your relationship to those things?  
[00:50:22] Have you made friends with suffering?  
[00:50:27] Or have you consistently tried to avoid it?  
[00:50:32] And kill it?  
[00:50:34] And insist that it not be there?  
[00:50:39] So, to the extent, one way or the other,  
[00:50:42] your relationship to it will dictate your experience.  
[00:50:49] It will dictate how you apprehend it,  
[00:50:51] and how you perceive it,  
[00:50:53] and how you experience it moving forward.  
[00:50:56] And this is just karma, right?  
[00:50:58] Without saying karma.  
[00:51:00] It's really all it is.  
[00:51:05] Okay, so some of the usual ways,
[00:51:07] So we'll go over this a little bit,  
[00:51:09] and then we'll stop for tonight.  
[00:51:11] Do you want to do one more session?  
[00:51:13] Are people interested in one more session?  
[00:51:15] Yes.  
[00:51:16] Okay.  
[00:51:17] Alright, maybe we'll just do one more session,  
[00:51:19] and then we'll just continue all this tomorrow then.  
[00:51:22] Do you want a little stretch break before we sit?  
[00:51:26] For a while?  
[00:51:27] Are you ready to go into it?  
[00:51:29] Stretch?  
[00:51:30] Alright, let's just get up and stretch out for a little bit.